1. Offer the food-loving victim Donut Pie. That’s right, the kind of pie that starts with two dozen glazed donut holes and ends with an orgy of eggs, butter, sugar, and cinnamon. Topped with sprinkles and drizzled icing. Leaving aside the matter of 1,100 empty calories per slice, I’ll torpedo this concoction on the basis of “flavor crimes against humanity” alone. What ever happened to rhubarb, Key lime, pistachio, and the other unobtrusive flavor profiles? Clearly, old favorites don’t have the artery-clogging pizzazz our nation of health-dunces seems to crave.
2. Offer the gourmet eater an omelet à la Effron, concocted of earthworms and pigeon eggs. The host of Running Wild Bear Grylls has perfected manly attributes such as drinking one’s own urine. However, there must be a limit to even the gastronomic discomfiture a masochistic survivalist will endure. Save the stomach-churning recipe for those without the wiles to realize that those earthworms, once digested, will replicate and birth aliens. As any fourth-grade reader of the children’s classic How to Eat Fried Worms can tell you, night crawlers (not earthworms) are the way to go.
3. Order the Taco Bell Doritos Locos Taco Supreme. Gee Taco Bell, you outdid yourself. Not only did you denigrate the humble taco with your sour cream-whiz and over-seasoned mystery meat concoction, but you placed the ingredients in an oversized Dorito. You’ve drowned out whatever pseudo Mexican flavors inhabit a crunchy tortilla with a 10-year-shelf-life, and replaced it with obscene amounts of emulsifier, salt, red 40, yellow 5, blue 1, and disodium insinuate. The bottom line is that any taco which leaves a fluorescent residue on the fingers, and on which a squeeze of lime detracts from a bouquet of lab-formulated flavors, is corrosive to the palate and the soul. Toss it in the garbage heap immediately and allow it to break down and become inert over the course of a half-life of 2,444 years.
Posted at Medium, a very similar article (experiments in cross linking). Please feel free to explore Medium, join, share, and recommend my posts––and I'll gladly do the same.
